The Hardest Moment

*** A story I wrote for a friend of mine.  

   Life, one at a time, hits you hard and keeps you broken. And one of those times is when death takes someone precious and never returns him back. Those times are the hardest times ever.

  I usually don’t answer phone calls, but that day I did, and it was my cousin’s grandma. She started with the normal questions at the first of any conversation: hi, how are you..., and then she dropped the bomb that ripped me into pieces. She shocked me with the death of Ahmad, my cousin.

  You know the moment when you feel your brain stopped thinking and your heart stopped feeling, and you think that time paused and the world doesn’t exist anymore? Well, that was my feeling exactly. I couldn’t think or speak or feel. Instead, I started calming the woman down and reminding her that it's Allah’s well and we can’t change anything, and may Allah award him Jannah. Then I promised her to tell my family the bad news. Then I hang up.

  I called my sister and I was telling her that I need to tell her something when my voice broke and I started crying like I never did before. It was hard losing the ones you love suddenly with no introductions. It’s hard to be with someone your whole life and with a phone call, everything you built together doesn’t exist anymore.

  I don’t remember what was next because I was dead. I died even though I am still alive. Something inside me was broken and was hurting me a lot. I was always the one who is there for everybody in need but at that moment I became the one who needs all people to be on his side; and at the same time, it was the moment when you want to be alone and stay away from everything and everyone.

  I thought at that moment that life was over. I couldn’t feel anything as if the whole universe didn’t exist anymore. My laugh vanished, my heart and its feelings froze, and my thoughts were locked and I didn’t know what to do next. As if Allah took everything around me and left me with nothing. As if I was dying without sensing my soul getting out of my body. But I felt that I was only a body without a soul and a human without a life.

  Then I felt dizzy and I had to reach the closest chair to keep my balance, I felt that life turned upside down. I knew life will no longer stay the same or taste the same. All of a sudden, memories rushes into my brain and the movie of the moments and times that I and Ahmad spent together was passing in front of my eyes. His laugh has always made me smile because it was the most amazing smile I have ever seen. His eyes sparkle whenever he is happy. The first impact you get when looking at him is that this guy is full of life and happiness; and you can guess that the child he was, still exists inside him as it’s shown in his moves and speech. Ahmad was the one who makes the group laugh all the time when we are together, he is the one who makes you feel that life is precious and the world is safe. He used to tell me about the girl he loves, the one that threw a spill on him the first time they met. He talked nonstop about her when we are alone, and when he talks I could see passion colonizing his eyes and dazzling locating on his smile. I could feel that the one who was happy for being single has fallen in love for real

  Then, I returned to the real world, the world where Ahmad doesn’t exist anymore, and the world that will not be safe after him. Suddenly, I felt scared; I wanted to have someone by my side and to hug me. Well, this seems funny but I was not myself, I had feelings that I haven't had before and reactions that were unfamiliar to me. That day I was another person with complicated feelings and unfamiliar sensations.

  It was a hard experience that I wish it will no longer be repeated, and I hope no one would be in the same situation.

  Ahmad was a close friend and a precious person, and I pray for him every day and I really miss him. I lost a close person that will not be replaced by another and I am happy for him, even though he left early because I know that being beside Allah is much better than being in this evil world with poisoned souls. May his soul rest in peace and may Allah grand him with Jannah.